FAQ
Q: Why is a copy of DYI Vet more expensive on DYI Vet.com than from Amazon?
A: After I wrote this here book, I got me three full time employees, Jack Hass, a hooker name Hoe and a mule. Now you better get something straight about Jack. He gets drunk as skunk when you call him Jack Ass instead of Jack Hass. This is on account of that traveling hypnotist he met in a bar. He, the hypnotist not Jack, hypnotized Jack to get drunk whenever people mispronounce his name.
Now, whenever Jack sets foot into a bar, he ain't coming out for days. This has gotten to be a quite a problem for two reasons: Ever since I published this here book, I been getting a shit load of calls about vetting. Whenever Jack Hass hears me talking about this or that sick jackass, he's off to the bar faster than a redneck at a U-hal convention. The second problem is our ho named Hoe.
"Can't you read? Then why are you calling me for a blowjob? My Craigslist ad clearly states this is book boxing day. Jackass! Oh, all right, I'll be there in twenty minutes."
As soon as she hangs up, she's off to Rooms by the Hour, a regional hotel chain and Jack Hass is of off to the bar again. Now, usually she comes back, but like I done said, we ain't gonna see Jack for at least four days.
Now, besides myself, I ain't never had no problem with the staff of The East of Somewhere Veterinary clinic on account the only people who work there is me, my wife (when I ain't divorced again) and Tequilia Sunrise, my hound dog. My point is, the books wasn't getting boxed because Hoe's turning tricks and Jack Hass is drinking himself under the table.
"What you got to do is incentify, your employees," grandpappy said.
So, I come up with a humdinger of an incentive program. Put a book in a box and get a beer. But the box in the mailbox, get a beer. Remember to put the postage and the address on the box, get a beer. Do all there perfect, get a keg. And that's why I got to charge you a $10.00 beer surcharge when you order a book direct from the East of Somewhere Veterinary clinic.
Now, whenever Jack sets foot into a bar, he ain't coming out for days. This has gotten to be a quite a problem for two reasons: Ever since I published this here book, I been getting a shit load of calls about vetting. Whenever Jack Hass hears me talking about this or that sick jackass, he's off to the bar faster than a redneck at a U-hal convention. The second problem is our ho named Hoe.
"Can't you read? Then why are you calling me for a blowjob? My Craigslist ad clearly states this is book boxing day. Jackass! Oh, all right, I'll be there in twenty minutes."
As soon as she hangs up, she's off to Rooms by the Hour, a regional hotel chain and Jack Hass is of off to the bar again. Now, usually she comes back, but like I done said, we ain't gonna see Jack for at least four days.
Now, besides myself, I ain't never had no problem with the staff of The East of Somewhere Veterinary clinic on account the only people who work there is me, my wife (when I ain't divorced again) and Tequilia Sunrise, my hound dog. My point is, the books wasn't getting boxed because Hoe's turning tricks and Jack Hass is drinking himself under the table.
"What you got to do is incentify, your employees," grandpappy said.
So, I come up with a humdinger of an incentive program. Put a book in a box and get a beer. But the box in the mailbox, get a beer. Remember to put the postage and the address on the box, get a beer. Do all there perfect, get a keg. And that's why I got to charge you a $10.00 beer surcharge when you order a book direct from the East of Somewhere Veterinary clinic.
Q: My wife at a fifty pound box of Sea Monkeys, what should I do?
Sea Monkeys are a kind of brine shrimp. If your wife ate a fifty pound box, she just ate the shrimp eggs, a lot of salt and some yeast. They’ll hatch in her stomach and swim around until they run out of oxygen. The real issue is why your wife would eat that? I recommend getting' a divorce.
Q: A cow fell on my dog. What should I do?
In all my years, this has got to be the dumbest question I ever been asked. Why, when a cow falls on your dog you go to the International House of Pancakes and order some waffles. After you done ate good, bring back your leftovers, put 'em in an old pie tin and set it on the ground about ten feet from the cow. Your dog will climb right out from under that cow to get them leftovers.
Q: Can I donate some money to you?
I have a very strict policy against donations that don't involve beer, so you can donate price of a can of beer, a bottle of beer, a forty-ounce beer, a pint of beer, a mini keg, a Cornelius keg, a sixth-barrel, a pony-keg (also known as a quarter barrel) a slim quarter or a half barrel.
Q: Will you marry me?
I already got me 17 ex-wives. By anyone's standards I ought to call it quits. However, if you find me a bar, I'll probably say "sure, as soon as I'm done drinking beer."
Q: Where exactly is the East of Somewhere Veterinary Clinic?
That's a dumb question.
Q: My duck got lead poisoning, what should I do?
Depends on how bad he’s got poisoned. If he’s dead, I wouldn’t eat him. Otherwise he ought to taste all right.
Q: What is the bile acid test?
This is where the vet has got to check your pet's liver to see how well it can handle liquor.
Q: My cat has the piles, what should I do?
Get him a hemorrhoid pillow. And not your old one. That’s just disgusting.
Q: What type of food is healthiest for pets?
There ain't no simple answer to this. For example, if you got a goat, you can feed him just about anything. If you got a lion you can feed him the goat, which ain't so healthy for the goat.
Q: Dr. Bob, is my pet fat?
If you got to ask, the answer is yes.
Q: What vaccinations should I give my pet?
All of them.
Q: Can my pet make me sick.
If he's got a cold you can't catch his cold. But if he's got rabies, bird flu or is possessed by a demon sure as shit you can catch it.
Q: Do dogs have lips?
Kiss him and find out.
Q: How can I keep my dog warm?
Sleep with him, get him a sweater, or set the oven on warm and toss him inside.
Q: What's a Philly?
A sandwich. But since your asking you probably mean filly, which is a young female horse that's still a virgin. Not shitting you.
Q: Can I train my dog to tell when someone is going to die?
Sure as shit. Just, hang around places like hospitals, hospices, and old folks homes for a couple months. Give him biscuit every time someone dies. Then when someone is about to die, he'll start drooling. That's why this training called Pavlov's Knell.
Q: Do dogs commit suicide?
Only when they don't like their owners.
Q: What is Dr. Bob's secret ingredient?
Beer